“Solitude matters, and for some people, it is the air that they breathe.” – Susan Cain
2 days was all I had before I connected to the world and my work day began. But these days were necessary to feel somewhat better. 37 minutes until my website block unlocks, I turned on my wifi and received messages that … yes, brought me back to searching flights.
But that’s not all that happened…
• As I am saying, I invested in coming back home lottery: will the flight happen or will it not? Will the Covid19 safety precautions collapse until the flight or will they hold steady enough for me to fly away and return? A huge chunk of my anxiety these days is coming from wasting my time in this one spot doing the same old thing again and again, like a hamster in a wheel. I love Scotland and Edinburgh, don’t get me wrong, but after walking around the neighbourhood for … how long the lockdown has been? 1.5 times a day (excluding longer trips to distant locations)… I’ve seen my neighbourhood 156 times.
• Speaking about investments… I made my first actual investment! After more than a year of reading, hesitating and looking at my “learn to invest and then invest” sticky note, I finally felt ready to do it. This one is huge for me.
• I did more exercises from the book I’m reading. They made me think about the feelings and thoughts I am carrying with me and work on them in quiet, without TV, people, social media, messages, to think everything through, feel it and then release it. To find forgiveness and let go of toxic thoughts. I work on myself to move forward and be free of unnecessary emotional weight because to me that’s the only way to feel good about my life. I don’t want to hold grudges, make revenge plans or imagine conversations. I simply want to live my life to the fullest independently from what other people did or said and this requires me to go through my brain drawers from time to time. Time free of distractions is necessary for that.
• And speaking about living your life, I made a new vision board. I made 2 boards previously and each time they are very different, but very true to what I want at that moment. We change, desires change, we find out more about what makes us happy, perceptions change, needs change. Life events can completely shake up your wish list. Or maybe you finally received something and it turns out, that this doesn’t make you happy at all! And it’s good. Every experience is an opportunity for growth and a better life.
I have a hard time making decisions, especially – decisions about the rest of my life. It took a while for me to understand that it doesn’t have to be this definite. There are more than two, three or four ways in life, and they don’t have to be the ways someone has assigned to you or, worse, gave permission for you to walk. If you made the wrong choice and you can’t go back, find a new path – unrelated to either option. I often say that everything is going to be okay, and it always is. Often – so much better than just ok. There are only a few dead ends in life and if you avoid unhealthy substances it’s very unlikely you will ever reach any of them.
Also, it’s naive to believe that you can avoid pain. That’s where my overthinking and overanalysing stems from. I spend so much time looking for a way to avoid regret. But while I might be avoiding pain, I’ll be missing out on life. I don’t see my future self ruminating about small things for days. I see myself able to make good enough decisions and dealing with consequences if it was the wrong one. And I know I can handle anything because I handled everything until now. This power doesn’t go away.
• Hugged a tree. As I mentioned in my last post, I miss the connection with nature and touching plants is one way to initiate it. It’s like I am starving for something and I receive it through touch. Maybe it’s all in my head, maybe I am just a weirdo touching trees and scaring children. I tried to imagine that I am alone with nature, although people kept walking left and right… There’s no escape from them. But eventually, I feel calmer.
• Even though Monday began and I was back to the connected-distracted-noisy world, I still didn’t feel ready to meet people, I could barely talk to anyone at work. However, I wanted to. But also I was hoping for the rain. But also I didn’t. I still felt incredibly anxious and unfocused, and nothing helped. I tried candles, exercise, meditation, more meditation, focusing solely on work, shifting my thoughts every so often. Even decided to fast for a day, because when I fast, I look at the clock and think about what I will make for my next meal and this, I thought, will take my mind off the other things. It didn’t rain, so I went out. I promised myself some time in the past when I looked around and had no one I would like to go and see, that I will no longer cancel my plans if the only thing standing in the way is “I don’t want to”. Unless I really don’t want to.
And good thing I went… I’ve gone out a few times with different people, who have a very different impact on my life. Each interaction helped me to put different pieces of me back together. It’s not that I needed to talk about what’s bothering me. Maybe I needed to talk about everything else and just be. Those conversations brought warmth and belonging to my heart, brought the youthful feeling when you come back home way past the sunset or freeze your ass in Scottish winds because it’s still better than ending conversations. I could have never had them if I had already left Edinburgh, a place that is now my home more than ever before.
• And one more thing… These people reminded me how much there is for me to do in life. These days I feel like I am in waiting: waiting for the flight, waiting for the lockdown to end, waiting for schools and clubs to open, waiting for the weekend, waiting till I can go to South America, waiting to continue living my life… I decided to conquer one of my fears: driving. Contacted a driving school, but obviously, they don’t do classes right now. However, I made my first steps – left my contact information to get in touch. And a decision with myself to stop waiting and do so much more.